The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
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the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
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There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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