I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Randomize
