I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Randomize
