someone get that fucking seahorse.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
