I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
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