I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
