you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
