Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
