I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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