i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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