Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
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No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
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LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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