Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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