Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
