Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
He is an equal opportunity slut.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
