I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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