On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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