You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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