The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
