I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
