hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize
