Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
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Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
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LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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