I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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