girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
is that a dick in a sweater?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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