you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize