I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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