I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
