Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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