Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
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