i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
