when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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