Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
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