im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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