I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
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