He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
