And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
