I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
