my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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