I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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