Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
