If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
