i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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