I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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