But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
