My friends, they love my intelligence
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Randomize
