he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
This house was built for laser tag.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
17 year olds will be the death of me.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
