Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I have fence marks all over my body
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Randomize
