Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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