He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
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