I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
