I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
