Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
