I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
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I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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