just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
