your parents love me but you hate me
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
