I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
