i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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