real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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