no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
